Welp I once again went awhile without posting. Honestly I think I found myself feeling uninspired. I also wanted to soak up my summer break. It has been a busy summer. So lets get to it.
May marked my 30th birthday. It still hasn’t sunk in that I am no longer in my 20s. It felt like my 20s lasted forever. Not just 10 years. Most days I still feel like I do not know what I am doing. I keep wondering when other adults will realize I am not actually an adult. Somehow I keep getting away with it.
June was my endo appointment. I realized that I had been on autopilot with my diabetes management. I still sort of am. I am doing the things I need to do to take care of diabetes but I am not prioritizing it. My A1c is still in a good range so I am trying not to beat myself about it.
July went by very quickly. It started with the lowest of lows and highest of highs. I had to say goodbye to my Minnie girl. She was only 8. It happened so quickly and I am still numb. I was also very busy in July so my mind was occupied. I still think about her at night when I can’t sleep. I love my Luna Bean, but Minnie was the first pet that was mine. There was a special bond between us that I can’t explain. Every so often I am caught of guard by a wave of grief. I understand the metaphor of grief being like a ball in a box now. When the ball hits the side of the box a wave of emotion/pain comes over you. Over time, the ball gets smaller and hits the box less. When it does though, it still hurts the same amount as it did when the ball was bigger. I will always be grateful for the 6 years I had with Minnie. She will now forever sit on my left shoulder like she did when she was alive.
The same week I lost Minnie, I had the most amazing experience when I went to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour. It was by far one of the best concerts I have ever been to. KC night 1 won the eras tour! We are Mother’s favorites and I will fight anyone who disagrees. I am now a full on clowning swiftie trying to guess all her easter eggs. Bets on if Rep TV drops on 8/21? Am I delulu? Probably. It’s fine. The emotional whiplash of the first week of July taught me that you need to hold space for all that life throws at you. The good and the bad.
So far August has brought more life changes. I adopted a kitten. I didn’t think I wanted to get another cat right away, but I kept finding myself looking at kittens up for adoption at the shelter. Then I saw a photo of the sweetest little orange kitten with the swirliest color pattern. Enter, Fred/Freddy/snuggle bean/Freddy fish/Fredward. He is almost 3 months old and has settled in so well. He is the snuggliest purr machine!!! As I type this he is purring on my chest. He and Luna are learning to navigate each other. I know Luna is going to be a great big sister. She learned from the best. Minnie.
My fall semester starts on Monday. I am nervous. Excited. Overwhelmed. I am hoping that spending the past year working on myself and growing means I will go into this next stage of school successfully. After a year of setbacks and frustrations it is my time to shine. I realized that instead of dreading clinicals, I am sort of looking forward to them. I will be in a pediatric primary care clinic. I have always been interested in primary care so I am excited to see if I enjoy it as much as I think I will. I know it is a lot of work, but being able to watch my patients grow from a tiny newborn to a successful young adult sounds amazing. For me it’s the most magical part of peds. We get to celebrate things that seem so simple. Saying mama, pointing at objects, taking first steps. They are simple things, but are actually big deals for tiny humans. I also like the idea of being able to encourage and empower parents.
I am down to a year and halfish `left of school. I have 3.5 classes left. I still have days where I get overwhelmed and can’t see a future where I am an NP. I am slowly learning that feelings are valid, but they are not reality. They are just feelings. I can and will succeed.
To quote Taylor Swift, it was the end of a decade, but the start of an age. That is how feel about what these last few months have been.
thechronicconfessional.com 