Taylor Swift released ANOTHER album on Friday and per usual the album is full of poetic lyrics and powerful bridges. You often don’t even catch the poetry in her lyrics until you’re on the second or third listen of a song.
The lyrics that have been sticking with me since my first listen on Friday are “You’re on your own kid. Yeah, you can face this. You’re on your own kid. You always have been”. Shit cuts deep.
Having a chronic illness can be incredibly isolating and lonely. Even more so when it’s an invisible illness. Because I don’t look sick people don’t realize the millions of thoughts and decisions that go into be me simply living life. They don’t see how sick a bad low can make me feel. They don’t see how fuzzy a high makes my brain. It’s also not easy to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Because it is so hard to explain I often carry the burden alone.
The mental burden of diabetes is the hardest part and I can’t escape it. No one can really take any of it for me. Why bother people I care about with something they can’t help me with. It’s something that is happening to my body. It’s incredibly vulnerable to have your own body fail you and ask for physical help. Especially for a socially anxious person, who hates attention, and who is fiercely independent (It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.).
I cover up the vulnerability with sarcasm and jokes. If someone asks if I am ok when they hear Patrice (my insulin pump/CGM) alarm I can deflect attention and calm people down by making a sarcastic joke. “Unless I am on the floor actively seizing I am fine”. I can cut the tension about the potential seriousness of diabetes with a joke. “My glucagon is in my backpack. Make sure you put it up my nose not my butt. God forbid you ever need it”. If you know what rescue diastat is you get the joke. Is this an appropriate coping mechanism? probably not, but when I get overwhelmed with emotion or anxiety, I lose my words and sarcasm comes out.
I have good friends who laugh at my jokes and even make jokes with me and it does make the burden slightly less. At the end of the day I am on my own to manage diabetes. Like the song says I can face it. Even if I am on my own with it and always will be.
Anyways that’s enough deep shit. Hope you too are enjoying Taylor’s newest album. If you aren’t what are you even doing with your life?! Oh look I just cut the tension with a joke again.
thechronicconfessional.com 