Ten

Today marks 10 years since I was diagnosed with diabetes. I’ve been trying to find the words to explain the emotions I’m feeling. The things is, there isn’t just one.

There’s frustration. Today is a reminder that there really is no end to this disease. I was told when I was diagnosed there would be a cure within 5 years. Here we are. No cure. Not even a promising breakthrough. What is the point in counting. It’s not like there is an end date on my diabetes.

There’s sadness. This day always brings me back to that early morning laying in the hospital bed. The resident doing his pre-rounds and telling me “It looks like you’re going to need insulin.” It wasn’t even 7AM and I was alone. Barely awake.

There’s fear. I remember being in the hospital for the first time and saying goodbye to my mom and sister when they went home for the night. I was left with the not so friendly night-shift nurse. I remember my first night home and the pricker I was supposed to poke my finger with wasn’t working. I got frustrated and threw it as I started crying. My sister grabbed me tightly in a hug and calmed me down. I don’t know if she remembers that, but I always will. Hopefully you’re reading this now, E. It was the one time during those 3 days I let myself feel anything.

Pride. Looking back at 18 year old me I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. I used to hide my diabetes. Now I’m here writing about it on the internet. I’ve done so many things and never let diabetes stope me.

There is happiness. I am still here. Living. My limbs work. My mind works. I get to do something I love everyday. I have amazing friends. My family is supportive.

Then there is the gratitude. Which is the hardest to reckon with. If I could get rid of my diabetes I would. In a heartbeat. But, I know that without it I would not be who I am today. It gave me a passion and pushed me towards the career I was supposed to have. As stressful and scary as going back to school has been I know it’s what I’m supposed to do. I cannot wait for the day I can look into a teenager’s eyes, pull out my pump and say I get it. Or look at another young girl and say I have turner’s syndrome too. I get it.

Diabetes has made me a more empathetic and caring person. Especially at work. When parents call on the phone worried and scared their teenager isn’t taking their meds I hear my mom talking to my doctors about teenage me. When parents are crying because insurance won’t let them fill their child’s medication I want to cry with them. I know exactly what the teenager means when they say taking 5 pills is just too much and they can’t do it. I know what they mean when they say they want to be normal. Nothing fulfills me more than the relief in a parent’s voice when I have reassured them that everything is going to be ok and we will take care of their child and whatever they need.

How can something that I hate so much have given me so much at the same? It is such a strange thing to hold. I don’t know what the next 10 years will bring, but I am excited to find out. I really like music and feel like songs do a better job expressing my feelings than I could on my own. Tonight we are ending with a quote from one of my favorite songs.

“Through the joy and pain that our lives bring, we can do hard things” – Tish Melton, We Can Do Hard Things